i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
