I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
