Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
