If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
