If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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