I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
