he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
