I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
