do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
