No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm really busy with my period
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