I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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