We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
