I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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