If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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