ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
