it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
