I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
