Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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