alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
