Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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