I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
