took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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