mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
