so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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