College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
