my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
