i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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