I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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