on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Randomize
