Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
