you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I just found a bag of teeth...
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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