then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
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