I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
