So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
