My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
