Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
