tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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