Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
