Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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