im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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