haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
