i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
