We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
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