So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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