walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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