I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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