You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
