ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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