I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
