I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
