somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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