I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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