My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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