I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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