There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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