A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
