I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize