I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
